It has been a long time since I have been very open to somebody. I often ask myself if I ever really did and that the answer is probably no, well except for my sister and my parents.
I had always put up barriers around me. I have always clammed up whenever personal stuffs are at stake. I have always built up walls that only a few can get through, unless I allow them to see who I am, no reservations.
But I got tired of not having real and permanent friends. I got tired of being alone. I got tired of not having a ready contact whenever I want to go somewhere or do something. I got tired of not being invited just because I always tend to decline or I’m not very open to invitations.
I was surprised how wonderful it is to be open to opportunities of loving people and be loved by them as well. As I said, I have always been meticulous of how others see me or I have always been doubtful of their intentions. I have always been careful not to reveal too much. And so, they were not able to really get to know me.
When I began to break down the barriers I’ve built for so long, I’ve cried too many times. I felt like the whole world is crushing down on me. It seems like the end of the world for me. I know I might be overreacting but it is what it is and screw people if they say there are bigger problems than what I’m feeling but we have different ways of feeling hurt.
In the end I realize that you cannot truly be happy if you do not experience pain. You cannot feel love when you have not given your all too. It’s a risk, to love and be loved. Because you will always be hurt but at the same time you will also hurt people and that hurts more than them hurting you.
And that’s the reason why when people hurt you because you are allowing them too, you are being selfish. Because you knew they will hurt more than you do but still you don’t do anything about it.
Love as much as you can. To feel pain is inevitable since its part of the process. But always remember they cannot do anything when you don’t do anything as well, which is, they can’t love you deeply and truly if you don’t do the same as well.
A modern reformer, R.C.Sproul once said, “Superficial relationships can only create superficial wounds. Deep relationships, however, are apt to create deep wounds.”