Ugly Love? Maybe,Maybe Not

I remember those times when my sister can’t stop from squealing or laughing, or crying and feeling mixed emotions while reading Colleen Hoover’s books and I stare at her and say something like “What’s wrong with you?” But after reading her Ugly Love, I’ve come to acknowledge and understand why she loves her so much. How Rainbow’s Landline got my heart was the very same reason how Colleen got mine.

 

I love the adrenaline that Ludlum’s books are giving me, the Bourne Series that made me feel like running with Jason and Marie, the rush that Brown is giving me whenever Langdon starts to look for clues to the mystery he is about to unveil or the suspense I feel whenever Lindsay, Cindy, Claire and Yuki discovers another murder to be solved. But the other part of me starts to disintegrate whenever I read Colleen’s books.

 

Her Ugly Love brought feelings that are too raw that one can’t stop from being too vulnerable, too open and too weak. Reading her book was like spacing out in the present world, and just being in the world of her characters. I like the feeling of being able to escape reality just by reading her books, by not thinking about the worries I have currently, personal issues I have to face and be lost in the world that her book has created.

 

Colleen’s stories makes you realize that one important truth we must hold on; that we have someone whose meant for us, that when the time comes that we eventually get to know that one, we’ll know he’s the one. You’ll never stop liking each other. You’ll never stop wanting the other person. And eventually, you can’t help but love that person so much you won’t give up one each other that easy even if it’s too difficult to hold on for so long already.

 

The pain you feel whenever you read her books are almost the same pain you would feel whenever you’d ever encounter such situation, or more than that perhaps. It’s how the story goes on, how she develops her character towards the story, how she makes it so real, so close to your heart, that it makes you want to cry along with them, laugh along with them and get along with the characters of her story. Unlike some stories where you feel like you’re the main character, with her it feels like you’re a spectator, an audience, an observer. But whatever things you read, what they’ve felt you also had and you’ve felt it deep too.

 

In her Ugly Love, you will be met with Mile’s inability to love just because he felt like he doesn’t deserve to love again the way he used to. The tragedy that happened to him at an age where a person’s rationality becomes clouded with emotions and tendencies of being stubborn scarred his heart that understanding the situation, acceptance and forgiveness seems to be seen nowhere in the picture.

 

Some people are just scared of feeling too much, of feeling things too deeply, of being afraid for the things that comes with loving so much. As with my previous writings, loving too much means allowing yourself to become vulnerable and weak

 

But you will realize that sometime in this life, we just have to face our fears and conquer them. More than that, we just have to love others as much as we could but also let them in our lives and let them love us and even if it means knowing that eventually we will be able to hurt them in the process.

 

I remember reading her Maybe Someday with Ridge and Sydney. I never thought that there could exist such a feeling that’s too hard to fight. I never thought that you could ever love somebody and fight the feelings so hard you just gave up on fighting it. But then realizing it’s all the wrong feelings and so you still struggle on getting over it and wishing the feeling can just be gone like a smoke in the wind.

 

It’s always a constant battle between what your mind tells you and what your heart does (Technically, It’s your intellect and emotion that is in constant disagreement since the heart’s function is just to pump blood but for literary sake, we’ll just make use of the heart and the mind.) Your desires, the desires of your flesh or what you actually feel, will always bump to what your mind thinks is rational. I remember a conversation I had with my sister where she told me that sometimes, there’s just that part of us who wants to do the things that are irrational and things that sometimes doesn’t make sense.

 

Two months and six days ago I realized something about myself that I never thought I would have come into conclusion. I keep on debating about it to myself for as long as I can remember and up until I now. I’m trying to deny the feelings that I have for the person I’m not supposed to like so much. My actions and my thoughts are letting me on and constantly remind me that I can’t get away with this feeling I have. However, the more rational part of my brain tells me that it’s something that I should get rid of and I should not to be entertained even just for one short moment of unguarded thoughts and feelings.

 

That is why I always appreciate these simple moments where I just lay in bed and read a book because I get transported to a world where I don’t have to think about it. Whenever I hold a book in my hand, I am able to forget even just for a while that I have some unresolved personal issues. Whenever I get hold of a story to read, I don’t think about this person that invades my mind and heart, the person that has become my everything ever since that day I realize that irrational feelings I keep harboring inside me.

 

Do you know that feeling of being able to notice every single thing that person does? Do you know that feeling of missing that person, even though you’ve been seeing each other for a while, just because you don’t talk too much anymore and bond as often as you did before? Do you know that feeling of carefully taking your time towards that person just because you’re afraid that both of you will get hurt if you said the wrong words, or do things that you think is unpleasant, and that you’ll never get to see that person ever again? Do you ever feel jealous when that person is around other people just because you want that person all by yourself?

 

It’s a feeling that is so hard to suppress. It something that’s too strong that it wants to get out of your heart. It’s a feeling that you want that other person to know and yet it hurts so bad it just comes out of you in snippets of anger and frustrations.

 

It’s becoming a tiring routine over and over again, each day, every day. And you ask yourself when this will end. If that person showers you with attention again, will you be able to get over it already? Maybe, maybe not. It will just strengthen the feeling you already have that when the time comes that that person has to leave, you’ll just suffer even further. Because you don’t own that person, so you don’t have the right to put an end to it.

 

And with that, maybe you’ll just have to let things happen the way it should be. But never for once think that letting things happen the way it should be means losing your grip of reality and how you would want it to play today and in the future. Never lose sight of what you want but also of what you actually need and want to have. Most of the time, you can’t have both. You just have to pick one and stand up for it no matter what happens.

 

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