When she said those words that night, it feels like I’m the most special and wonderful person in the world. “I’m sorry for trying so hard.” Some would probably accept this apology, knowing that they don’t need somebody to put so much effort since they don’t really asked them to do it for them. It becomes a burden to the one trying so hard that it burdened the recipient as well. But as for me, those six words made me breakdown in happiness as well as that overwhelming feeling of somebody reaching out to you.
When I told her “Thank you for trying so hard”, I meant every word. If not for her, I might not have been the person that I am today, someone who felt loved and has shown love to the people around her.I may not be that person who tried to pursue her dreams again. I may not be that girl who smiles so genuinely whenever a camera captures a moment of her because I will always have reservations and something to hold back.
As I look back to how I have been for the past 24 years of my life, I realize how happy I am right now. The sincerity of the relationships that I had, the sincerity that I was able to express as well with the people around me was something I really never had. It’s not that I was never sincere before, but for me, allowing yourself to be loved and be loved, to be cared but to take care as well,is the true essence of sincerity. And I felt it here in my heart.
I consider myself as somebody who loves the feeling of being alone, of being in solitude, of enjoying the company of myself. That is why I usually talk to myself. It became a habit that I cannot avoid anymore. I don’t have a ready contact on my phone. Though I have group of friends, at the end of the day, I find myself alone and lonely. I only have me to share all my heartaches, my problems, my dreams and aspirations, my frustrations and so on and so forth.
But then man, in his nature, cannot live in solitude forever. He needs to be around with people as well as actually be with them. He has that need to share, to communicate, to love and so man, needs another person to complement him.
You also get tired of being alone, of doing things all by yourself, of talking to yourself. It becomes toxic and it is something that leads most people to becoming suicidal.
With that I decided that I should not be alone anymore. I should be with people, not just in the surface but invest deeper feelings with them, know them and be with them in a more intimate way.
If you want to be truly happy, you have to feel things deeply. You have to love deeply. You have to care. You have to be sensitive. You have to be open to people. You will be hurt deeply too. But that’s how love is. Loving is not always having all the good stuffs. You also have to experience things that will hurt. Because then, you get to appreciate and savor that feeling of love and affection.