It’s been a while since I’ve been working on something and I miss talking about random things, in life, love, politics, and friendship and so on and so forth. Too many ideas invade my mind, too many thoughts I’ve harbored so far and I don’t know how to proceed with all of them, let alone entertain the things that makes me wonder how I am doing so far with the subject entitled life.
It’ quite funny, strange, weird, scary and something mixed among them, what I have felt today, and the past few days. I’m treading the same path again, doing things I’ve warned myself would destroy or perhaps scar me. I’m afraid of what has been happening to me but then the only person who can help me is myself.
I am sure that I’m not into him anymore, that the idea of me being with him has not been appealing as to how it was before. And I know that even when it seems like I like him on how I react towards teases to him, it’s not what I actually feel.
It’s been a reflex, an automatic response. I got so used to liking him that it became a habit I find difficult to get away with. And when they ask me why I know so much about him, it was because people have been telling me how he is doing.
And I only know one reason why it is so. But it’s something that I can’t even tell a single soul. It’s something I can’t even admit to myself as well. Because saying it out loud and admitting it means that it is real, that it is true. And I’m still hoping that it’s not. I’m still hoping it’s just a passing feeling, that all of this is just my misconception, my misinterpretation.
Can there be a wrong feeling for a right person? Perhaps. But it’s not the wrong feeling, because feelings can never be wrong. It’s the wrong person for the feelings you have harbored.
I remember that time when everything was so awkward, when everything was so scripted and so off. It was the worst. And I don’t know how it happened. We were never awkward. In fact, everything has been comfortable between us. Until then. Until that day. Until today.
But I can’t stop myself. I act strange whenever things seem to be different between us. But I feel fine whenever things are fine as well. When I said “You were like a drug I can get away with it”, I know now that it’s actually true. It’s as if I can’t live a day without you.
I don’t know what happens then when the time comes that we have to part ways. I don’t know if I would be able to survive. Life seems so dull without you in it. You’ve become the sunshine in my lonely and dark days.
Even now your smile is the only thing that I can remember, your voice that echoes repeatedly on my head, your touch that sends shivers down my spine, your smell I’m still trying to memorize.
If only my feelings for you were so simple, I probably would not have a hard time controlling what I’m feeling. But you make me feel like I’m the most special girl in the world.
Why do you have to make me feel this way? That feeling I have been waiting for from the one who I can be with without reservations, hesitations and setbacks.