I thought I have let the feeling go already. I thought if I ignore it and just let it go, it will eventually go away. Unfortunately, I just can’t. I can’t stop my feelings. I have always tried to avoid hearing that sound, the one that makes me cringe and makes me miss it even more. I always drown it in my mind, cover it up with too many distractions.
But I guess there will always be someone who gets you in a way you could never understand. There will always be that person, who, no matter what you do, who you will always chase after, even if things are not going well between the two of you, even if there’s nothing really going on. When I think of that person, I think of what someone once told me. I told that person my story and what that person told me was this, “You really care. You still have feelings. You thought you’ve moved on but you didn’t” And maybe that someone is right. I never got over that person. I was just letting myself believe to a lie I have weaved for myself. I am still affected. The longer it takes the more I think about it. And I thought I had reached the acceptance stage but I guess I just regressed. I went back to bargaining everything.
Every opportunity that I can be with that person is something I have always been looking forward. Though I keep on telling myself that I am not expecting, my heart can’t lie to my mind. It keeps on holding on to that opportuntity, even if it is obviously already a hopeless case. Would I ever tell that person what I feel when I can’t even admit to myself because it goes against everything I believe in and the things that grew up with?