I have always wondered what I am really looking for in a man. I told myself that I wanted a tall man so I can bury my face on his chest whenever I feel too sad or too happy. I wanted a man who has a career already set on track because I have this tendency to be ashamed of dating someone whom people can’t look up to or “respect” in this day and age’s language. But living in this world for quite a few years already, I realized that these things are actually too superficial and I’d probably not see this man anyway. And that’s when I actually come to acknowledge the things that I’ve been looking for a man, the things that matter, the things that would actually enable both of us to last in the relationship, or more likely for me to stay faithful into the relationship.
I want a man who could accept my priorities in life. I want him to understand and accept wholeheartedly that he will always come 3rd among those who I will have to put first in life. He needs to understand that above all else, I was born in a Christian family and that God will always be on the top of priority. It may not seem like that looking at my lifestyle but that it’s true. My parent would always remind us that family shouldn’t be our first love but it will always be God, that our priorities should be to the One high above and none else should take that place, that even though we love our family, they should just come 2nd to the God who created heaven and earth.
I want a man who will accept the fact that my sister matters to me more than anything else and that I would do anything for her even though there may be times that I get irritated by her or that I get jealous of her and things that a sister shouldn’t feel. I love her so much that I would choose to spend time with her over anything else. He has to understand that I have a responsibility to my sister and whether she’s married or have a family or doesn’t have, she will always have my time and anything I could give whenever she needs it or even when she doesn’t. He has to understand the fact that I’d probably spend time with my sister than with him and that he can’t make me choose him over my sister because without a doubt I’ll choose my sister and so he has to live with that if he wants to be with me. It may sound ridiculous right now and one would probably think that it’s quite insane but its true and it might happen and I want this to be clear to him so I have no regrets about it and so does he.
I want a man who respects my personal space. I will have episodes or times where I just want to be or do things by myself. When it happens, he has to leave me alone. I get used to doing things all by myself that I can’t get the habit away from me too easily. I will not leave him. I just needed some retrospection, some thinking, a self-discovery of sort.
I want a man who could understand my independency. By this, I mean not asking help from him or from other people even though it’s quite a load for me or there’s too many things to get done. People who knew me knows that I want to do things all by myself. It might have been a trust issue but it’s mostly because I’m not the type of person who wants to owe anyone or anything or be a nuisance to their lives. If I can do it by myself, let me do it on my own. I know my limitations, even if you can’t believe it for now. I enjoy doing things for other people. I love making an effort doing things for people who matter to me. So just let me be. Don’t stop me or do anything. Because if there’s anything that I hate the most, it’s seeing people getting out of their way just to help me or be with me. I felt like I’m being burdened to return the favour and it just stresses me out more than anything.
I want a man who would look over my need to appear strong and capable of anything even though at times it could be quite obvious that I’m fragile and delicate. I have the tendency to show no fear or to have that sense of accomplishment and achievement. I could be quite a brag, I must say. I want him to just let me be because at some point I will come to my senses. I just needed to put up a façade so I could tell myself that I’m strong and that I can do it, that I could overcome it and that I won’t fail. They say that people who have always failed has gotten used to it thru time but it isn’t. In my case, it just gotten worse and worse. Failures make me realize that I’m just an ordinary person and that there’s nothing special in me, that no matter how other people tell me how amazing I am, I will still look down on myself, wallow in self-pity and be ungrateful even though there’s too many things to be thankful about. I am slowly overcoming that by keeping myself reminded daily that all of us have our own timelines and that success doesn’t come overnight but thru God, perseverance, hard work and patience.
Lastly, I want a man who won’t give up on me even though I could be quite a work most of the time. I could be hard headed and stubborn and sometimes I won’t listen to any precautions, advices or even counsels even though I badly need it. I’d stay quiet and not utter a single word. When that happens, I want a man strong enough to reprimand and tell me what I did wrong. Yes I will resent him. Yes I will get angry. But he can be assured that I’ll eventually come to my senses and realize my mistakes. I admit that I don’t have it in me to apologize but I will try my best to be sincerely sorry for what I did.
This came as an afterthought and I wanted to say this to the man whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with. When I find you, I’ll be that woman who won’t be resistant to change. Sure I might hate it and not probably talk to you for days because of it, but if its something very important and it’s also something that would help me be a better person, then I will give my best to change, to adapt, to realign myself to the direction you’re taking me.
I will be that woman who will always patiently listen to you even though you talk gibberish or you’ve been talking about the same thing over and over again. I will always be by your side, supporting you and having your back so you can be assured that whatever happens you won’t be a total loss because you will always have me.
I will be that woman who will be with you as you grow, whatever that growth you wanted to achieve, may it be with your career, socially, physically, emotionally and so on and so forth. Because getting older made me realize that its not about finding someone who is as equally stable as you are so you both are already perfect for each other but it’s about growing together with someone, inspiring one another to aspire, getting thru difficult times holding each other’s hands because that’s how love should be. Love should be both joy and sadness, happiness and despair, success and failure and all the paradoxes this world can offer.
And more than that, I will be that woman who’ll be with you until we both say goodbye to this home we call earth and be with our Creator in heaven. We’ll keep the vows we’ve promised God because that’s how it should be. We’ll stay together no matter what and not give up on each other because it’s too much to bear. We’ll look into each other eyes every day and remind each other that as long as we both have each other and God who guides us from above, we will always persevere and survive.