I only have an hour and 50 minutes before I officially become 26. So I decided to write an “open letter” just for the sake of being dramatic, symbolic and everything. Just kidding. But on a more serious note, this letter is more of a promise, a vow, a desire, a wish and a farewell. This is a letter of promise to myself, a promise that I would start acting more like an adult from now on. I know. I should have started earlier. But things happen. And so I promise that I will be an adult from now on, with my actions, words, thoughts, decisions, reactions. I am not getting any younger, definitely. So I know I should really act on it. This is also a letter of a vow. I vow to help more people, to reach out to them even if I can’t give them anything material at least I could give them my time, my attention, things that cannot be measured by any amount of money. This is also a letter of desire. I just wanted to be who I really am. Most of the time I like to be someone that I am not. When I don’t, I get frustrated. I am disappointing myself. And so I really want to be my own, to stand on my own, to have an identity. This is also a letter of a wish. I wish that someday I’d find my path, not that I’m confused or anything. I hope I’d find my true happiness, whether it’d be staying single or not, be in a corporate world or in a public office or institution, whether I’d be a freelance somebody or a trusted employee, things like that. I really wish the time would come when I would eventually know where I’d really go. Finally, this is a farewell letter. I am saying goodbye to those unconfessed, unintended and irrational feeligs. I am saying goodbye to the hatred and pain. I am saying goodbye to insecurities and jealousies. I am saying goodbye to self pities and emotional instabilities. It has been a fulfilling 25 years. I am and should be and will be ready for 26.
It’s strange and scary when your dreams felt so real you thought it actually happened. There are days when I am having a hard time separating reality from make believe. It will always be those unguarded moments, instances when I imagine a perfect turn around of events only to realize afterwards that none of those take place, can actually take place and will take place at the same time. Though it feels so good and it makes me a lot happier, if those things will actually come true, and yet waking up knowing its not going to happen and all of those things are just my subconscious desires makes me want to curl up in bed and cry, feel sorry for myself that I can only have the things that I want as images that will linger secretly in my mind and my heart.
I thought I have let the feeling go already. I thought if I ignore it and just let it go, it will eventually go away. Unfortunately, I just can’t. I can’t stop my feelings. I have always tried to avoid hearing that sound, the one that makes me cringe and makes me miss it even more. I always drown it in my mind, cover it up with too many distractions.
But I guess there will always be someone who gets you in a way you could never understand. There will always be that person, who, no matter what you do, who you will always chase after, even if things are not going well between the two of you, even if there’s nothing really going on. When I think of that person, I think of what someone once told me. I told that person my story and what that person told me was this, “You really care. You still have feelings. You thought you’ve moved on but you didn’t” And maybe that someone is right. I never got over that person. I was just letting myself believe to a lie I have weaved for myself. I am still affected. The longer it takes the more I think about it. And I thought I had reached the acceptance stage but I guess I just regressed. I went back to bargaining everything.
Every opportunity that I can be with that person is something I have always been looking forward. Though I keep on telling myself that I am not expecting, my heart can’t lie to my mind. It keeps on holding on to that opportuntity, even if it is obviously already a hopeless case. Would I ever tell that person what I feel when I can’t even admit to myself because it goes against everything I believe in and the things that grew up with?
It’s a pitiful and upsetting fact that one is too coward to face the negativities in her life, especially those which she considers childish and unreasonable. They say feelings can never be reasonable, or rather emotions. They are valid. Because these are things that maybe controlled but will always arise whenever the occasion calls for it.
It has been a recurring illness of mine to keep everything to myself and to deny that I blame the other person for the things which should have been resolved, had it been disclosed and discussed. I have always asked myself why I keep on doing this, why I keep on pretending that everything is fine, even when it’s not. I introspect a lot, that’s a fact. I am a deep thinker. But I’m more than usually not a woman of actions. Most of the time, I become too passive that I appear insensitive and it’s as if I don’t care about anything in this world. My indifference sometimes gets a little too much, that it creates an impression that anything is fine with me and that it doesn’t really matter what happen to what, to whom and so on.
I have been consumed by the fact that we don’t talk anymore. I swallowed in self-pity. I get jealous to all the people she interacts with. I was so envious with the relationship she has with this certain girl. I know. You might think that I’m in love with her. I actually thought so at first. In fact I was shaken by this revelation that morally, emotionally and socially, I was in total conflict. It took all my energy and I was emotionally drained. I was tired. I was crying almost every single day. I come home but even before I arrive, I just stop in the middle of the road, think and cry. I was hysterical. It was too depressing and pathetic. I was drowning myself to the sound of music so that I can forget her voice and everything about her. Every time I see her, my heart starts to have a breakdown because I was still in denial by the fact that what we had before was a “was” already, that though we still talk and communicate each other, there has been a lot of changes. But then I realize that I had never that kind of relationship before. I have never been so vulnerable. I have never been so careless, and so I came to a conclusion I was just overreacting. And I am. I did. Well I was thinking too much about it. Now that I think of it, I might have been obsessed about it a lot and though it wasn’t great, now I know how to deal with these things.
Then that night happen and the day after that as well. Right now I still think about it. I hate hurting people. But I hate hurting her the most. She was like a sister to me. She inspires me a lot. She makes me happy. Well, she used to. She used to. That’s the correct statement for what I feel. The night I started writing this, I was so guilty for what I did. I still am, don’t get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I was resolved that I can only do so much. It was a tough deliberation but I got my solution at the end.
It was quite amusing actually. It started with me saying that yes, it was my fault. I should have told her sooner. I knew it will hurt her not to tell her anything but I still did it anyway. I should have apologized but then it dawned on me. What can an apology do anyway? Can it fix what happened? Can it bring back what had taken place? I know that it isn’t about that but it’s acknowledging that one is at fault and I already did. Should I say it again? Should I repeat it all over again that I was wrong and that I hurt her in all possible ways that I could? Is this an excuse? No. Then what it is then? An explanation? Perhaps. And I guess, it’s all that I can offer. An explanation. A narration of what happened. I can tell her all my reasons but it will all sound pathetic. Excuses. And I am never the one to do that. I know when I am at fault. I apologize. I have given my side of why it happened and how it happened but that’s about it. Because any fault won’t be any justifiable than any right thing that has been done.
Where am I going this? Well, nothing actually. I dread going back. Every time I think of seeing her, I felt myself being swallowed by the earth, if it’s even possible. I haven’t even look at her after that night. It was worse. I don’t know what happens right now. I just hope that whatever it is, I would have the courage to absorb it all in, just like drinking a cup of black coffee without sugar. I would have to face a lot of judgements, words that needs to be spoken, sentiments that should be released. I know that. She’s not like me who can just do stuffs like this to take away some of the burden that has bothered her.
When everything was fine between us, I used to think what would happen if we ever get into some kind of trouble. If we ever get into an argument, would anyone notice and rescue both of us? I guess I had the answer to that right now. I would be left alone and no one would have known that things had gone wrong for both of us. Nobody would probably discover that I’m in some disagreement with her. I can be transparent but I can be indifferent too. And that it becomes a disadvantage for me at times since I have a trouble expressing what I really feel. I might be bothered, hurt and sad but it wouldn’t show. And most of the time it leads the other person to think that I don’t care, that I carry my pride so high I won’t acknowledge that I am at fault, that I am just as heartless as the tin man in the Wizard of Oz. But how can I say that I know all of my reasons would sound like pathetic excuses? That I know at the end they would still believe what they want to believe and that I couldn’t change that?
I know they say that how people see you is a reflection of how you want them to see you as. I actually said something about that on one of my daily stats. But how do I avoid that when that’s how I exactly feel? And isn’t it also true that you won’t feel that way if the other people doesn’t make you feel that way anyway? It’s confusing, I know. It has also been a puzzle to me. And I guess life is all about having a constant balance between these kinds things; paradoxically true and untrue at the same time. It just depends on timing, on people, on situations and a lot of factors that this page won’t be enough for all of it.
I don’t know when I would stop thinking about it or about her but I hope it ends soon. I hope as well that drinking this bitter cup of coffee will end in the near future. I may be patient but I don’t know if I could be understanding enough to go through this for quite some time. I might just collapse or breakdown.
Photo Credits: htp://www.downthelineph.wordpress.com
I can’t help but melt at the sound of his voice as he serenades the people who passionately listens to him and sing his songs. He has the sweetest voice I’ve actually heard, one that’s right in front of me.
But what surprised me most, was that, listening to his songs makes me think about this one person through and through. That person is all I can think about, the one who has been the inspiration in my poetries, the one who makes me so much happy, and yet the one who irritates me the most, one who completes my day but also the one who makes me so sad and anguished.
I fell in love with his voice, that sweet, calm and soothing melody that rings in my ears, the harmony that plays on repeat, and a tune that I can’t erase from my head. He is amazingly good-looking and someone whom you would wish for a guy. He is someone who would make you forget your name and one whom you would want to stare for a very long time.
And yet I can’t stop thinking about this person. Now I understand something I have never understood before. It’s quite tiring. I don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if my feelings are actually valid, but it’s been like these for several times already and I don’t know what I did wrong.
I know that I’m speaking in riddles and metaphors, one that probably doesn’t make sense. Because that person does not make sense too. I want to understand. I have to understand. But sometimes I just can’t. It’s the same routine. The same things happens over and over again and I don’t know where I got it wrong.
His songs makes me think of that person and I can’t stop myself from drowning myself into misery. I don’t cry to a lot of people but I cried a lot because of that person. That person unveiled that side of me who becomes clingy, who becomes possessive, one who easily gets jealous, someone who can’t be at ease whenever that person is not around.
I just have this urge to let it all out because I might find myself crying all over again. I just don’t understand the feelings I harbor for that person. It’s unexplainable. It’s wrong. But I can’t stop myself from actually feeling those emotions.
But maybe that’s just who that person is. I just have to remind myself that it’s nothing personal and that it’s just how that person deals with situations. I just have to remind myself again and again that I was not the only person who felt that way.
Although it was the give-away that made me think if it’s actually normal or something is really wrong. Something isn’t right. I won’t have this kind of feeling if there isn’t something. Nonverbal actions and words that are too foreign in my ears have reached me and had caught me in surprise. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect that kind of reaction or treatment but I got it and it felt strange and sad.
I hope someday I’d know the reason why I hope one day I will understand what it all means. Because I may tolerate this but it would hurt each time it happens. And I’m just so tired of being in pain. I’d rather be in chains or being physically abused than emotionally ignoring me and she actually means to not notice me.
This is one of those times where I just want to pour out my thoughts, feelings of happiness, realization from the past, reminiscent of the people who I used to know.
Grasping on the several changes that took place over the past few months, I realize that timing is everything and that God has plans for all of us. We may not always understand why things happen before, why we never realize what we have realized today a few years back, why we have to learn lessons of life at times when we thought it’s too late but that’s how it should be and then when you put all the pieces together, creating a timeline of your life, you appreciate what took place. Because then, what happened created a certain mixture of good memories, of life full of bitter-sweet reminiscences, a life of beautiful harmonious events.
Looking back, I will always think about the wrong decisions that I’ve ever made, the things that I did which I shouldn’t have, mistakes that should have been avoided, people I should have never been with. And then I now understood that I have to go thru those things. Because if I haven’t, I would never have realized what are the wrongs that should not be committed again, the people that should be avoided, the wrong decisions that should not be chosen.
With my life starting slowly taking a turn towards the right direction, a life with a purpose, a goal, a resolution; a life of commitment, understanding, prioritizing and at some point, compromising, I appreciate the things that took place, the people I met, the people I’m with, the people I love and care about. I am thankful that I’ve met people who made me see the best version of myself, who made me dream things I never thought I could ever have, who made me take actions for the things that I have longed desired and who made me aspire to shine in all things that I do.
Things that might have stated out as just something usual was the beginning of changes I never thought would take place. I remembered that time when I was so grateful for movements that took place because it changed a lot. And it really did. It changed the way I think, the way I deal with things and people, the way I interact and the manner of how I have accepted and understood things.
And then you can’t help but feel that overwhelming emotion of gratefulness, thankfulness; a great surge of love for that person who made all those things possible and the One above who had His plans of you meeting that person as well as having that person not just as a colleague, an officemate, a friend, one who has always been by your side and has supported you and pushed you to be better each day.
It’s rare to find those kind of people and I’m so thankful that I have one because I wouldn’t know what I would have been doing right now if not for that person, probably still stuck in my own world, alone and lonely, without that consuming desire to push thru my goals because they seem unattainable.
It’s been a while since I’ve been working on something and I miss talking about random things, in life, love, politics, and friendship and so on and so forth. Too many ideas invade my mind, too many thoughts I’ve harbored so far and I don’t know how to proceed with all of them, let alone entertain the things that makes me wonder how I am doing so far with the subject entitled life.
It’ quite funny, strange, weird, scary and something mixed among them, what I have felt today, and the past few days. I’m treading the same path again, doing things I’ve warned myself would destroy or perhaps scar me. I’m afraid of what has been happening to me but then the only person who can help me is myself.
I am sure that I’m not into him anymore, that the idea of me being with him has not been appealing as to how it was before. And I know that even when it seems like I like him on how I react towards teases to him, it’s not what I actually feel.
It’s been a reflex, an automatic response. I got so used to liking him that it became a habit I find difficult to get away with. And when they ask me why I know so much about him, it was because people have been telling me how he is doing.
And I only know one reason why it is so. But it’s something that I can’t even tell a single soul. It’s something I can’t even admit to myself as well. Because saying it out loud and admitting it means that it is real, that it is true. And I’m still hoping that it’s not. I’m still hoping it’s just a passing feeling, that all of this is just my misconception, my misinterpretation.
Can there be a wrong feeling for a right person? Perhaps. But it’s not the wrong feeling, because feelings can never be wrong. It’s the wrong person for the feelings you have harbored.
I remember that time when everything was so awkward, when everything was so scripted and so off. It was the worst. And I don’t know how it happened. We were never awkward. In fact, everything has been comfortable between us. Until then. Until that day. Until today.
But I can’t stop myself. I act strange whenever things seem to be different between us. But I feel fine whenever things are fine as well. When I said “You were like a drug I can get away with it”, I know now that it’s actually true. It’s as if I can’t live a day without you.
I don’t know what happens then when the time comes that we have to part ways. I don’t know if I would be able to survive. Life seems so dull without you in it. You’ve become the sunshine in my lonely and dark days.
Even now your smile is the only thing that I can remember, your voice that echoes repeatedly on my head, your touch that sends shivers down my spine, your smell I’m still trying to memorize.
If only my feelings for you were so simple, I probably would not have a hard time controlling what I’m feeling. But you make me feel like I’m the most special girl in the world.
Why do you have to make me feel this way? That feeling I have been waiting for from the one who I can be with without reservations, hesitations and setbacks.