Afternoon Thoughts

I thought I have let the feeling go already. I thought if I ignore it and just let it go, it will eventually go away. Unfortunately, I just can’t. I can’t stop my feelings. I have always tried to avoid hearing that sound, the one that makes me cringe and makes me miss it even more. I always drown it in my mind, cover it up with too many distractions.

But I guess there will always be someone who gets you in a way you could never understand. There will always be that person, who, no matter what you do, who you will always chase after, even if things are not going well between the two of you, even if there’s nothing really going on. When I think of that person, I think of what someone once told me. I told that person my story and what that person told me was this, “You really care. You still have feelings. You thought you’ve moved on but you didn’t” And maybe that someone is right. I never got over that person. I was just letting myself believe to a lie I have weaved for myself. I am still affected. The longer it takes the more I think about it. And I thought I had reached the acceptance stage but I guess I just regressed. I went back to bargaining everything.

Every opportunity that I can be with that person is something I have always been looking forward. Though I keep on telling myself that I am not expecting, my heart can’t lie to my mind. It keeps on holding on to that opportuntity, even if it is obviously already a  hopeless case. Would I ever tell that person what I feel when I can’t even admit to myself because it goes against everything I believe in and the things that  grew up with?

Mundanity of the Undecided Girl’s Confession

It’s a pitiful and upsetting fact that one is too coward to face the negativities in her life, especially those which she considers childish and unreasonable. They say feelings can never be reasonable, or rather emotions. They are valid. Because these are things that maybe controlled but will always arise whenever the occasion calls for it.

It has been a recurring illness of mine to keep everything to myself and to deny that I blame the other person for the things which should have been resolved, had it been disclosed and discussed. I have always asked myself why I keep on doing this, why I keep on pretending that everything is fine, even when it’s not. I introspect a lot, that’s a fact. I am a deep thinker. But I’m more than usually not a woman of actions. Most of the time, I become too passive that I appear insensitive and it’s as if I don’t care about anything in this world. My indifference sometimes gets a little too much, that it creates an impression that anything is fine with me and that it doesn’t really matter what happen to what, to whom and so on.

I have been consumed by the fact that we don’t talk anymore. I swallowed in self-pity. I get jealous to all the people she interacts with. I was so envious with the relationship she has with this certain girl. I know. You might think that I’m in love with her. I actually thought so at first. In fact I was shaken by this revelation that morally, emotionally and socially, I was in total conflict. It took all my energy and I was emotionally drained. I was tired. I was crying almost every single day. I come home but even before I arrive, I just stop in the middle of the road, think and cry. I was hysterical. It was too depressing and pathetic. I was drowning myself to the sound of music so that I can forget her voice and everything about her. Every time I see her, my heart starts to have a breakdown because I was still in denial by the fact that what we had before was a “was” already, that though we still talk and communicate each other, there has been a lot of changes.  But then I realize that I had never that kind of relationship before. I have never been so vulnerable.  I have never been so careless, and so I came to a conclusion I was just overreacting. And I am. I did. Well I was thinking too much about it. Now that I think of it, I might have been obsessed about it a lot and though it wasn’t great, now I know how to deal with these things.

Then that night happen and the day after that as well. Right now I still think about it. I hate hurting people. But I hate hurting her the most. She was like a sister to me. She inspires me a lot. She makes me happy. Well, she used to.  She used to. That’s the correct statement for what I feel. The night I started writing this, I was so guilty for what I did. I still am, don’t get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I was resolved that I can only do so much. It was a tough deliberation but I got my solution at the end.

It was quite amusing actually. It started with me saying that yes, it was my fault. I should have told her sooner. I knew it will hurt her not to tell her anything but I still did it anyway. I should have apologized but then it dawned on me. What can an apology do anyway? Can it fix what happened? Can it bring back what had taken place?  I know that it isn’t about that but it’s acknowledging that one is at fault and I already did. Should I say it again? Should I repeat it all over again that I was wrong and that I hurt her in all possible ways that I could? Is this an excuse? No. Then what it is then? An explanation? Perhaps. And I guess, it’s all that I can offer. An explanation. A narration of what happened. I can tell her all my reasons but it will all sound pathetic. Excuses. And I am never the one to do that. I know when I am at fault. I apologize. I have given my side of why it happened and how it happened but that’s about it. Because any fault won’t be any justifiable than any right thing that has been done.

Where am I going this? Well, nothing actually. I dread going back. Every time I think of seeing her, I felt myself being swallowed by the earth, if it’s even possible. I haven’t even look at her after that night. It was worse. I don’t know what happens right now. I just hope that whatever it is, I would have the courage to absorb it all in, just like drinking a cup of black coffee without sugar. I would have to face a lot of judgements, words that needs to be spoken, sentiments that should be released. I know that. She’s not like me who can just do stuffs like this to take away some of the burden that has bothered her.

When everything was fine between us, I used to think what would happen if we ever get into some kind of trouble. If we ever get into an argument, would anyone notice and rescue both of us? I guess I had the answer to that right now. I would be left alone and no one would have known that things had gone wrong for both of us. Nobody would probably discover that I’m in some disagreement with her. I can be transparent but I can be indifferent too. And that it becomes a disadvantage for me at times since I have a trouble expressing what I really feel. I might be bothered, hurt and sad but it wouldn’t show. And most of the time it leads the other person to think that I don’t care, that I carry my pride so high I won’t acknowledge that I am at fault, that I am just as heartless as the tin man in the Wizard of Oz. But how can I say that I know all of my reasons would sound like pathetic excuses? That I know at the end they would still believe what they want to believe and that I couldn’t change that?

I know they say that how people see you is a reflection of how you want them to see you as. I actually said something about that on one of my daily stats. But how do I avoid that when that’s how I exactly feel? And isn’t it also true that you won’t feel that way if the other people doesn’t make you feel that way anyway? It’s confusing, I know. It has also been a puzzle to me. And I guess life is all about having a constant balance between these kinds things; paradoxically true and untrue at the same time. It just depends on timing, on people, on situations and a lot of factors that this page won’t be enough for all of it.

I don’t know when I would stop thinking about it or about her but I hope it ends soon. I hope as well that drinking this bitter cup of coffee will end in the near future. I may be patient but I don’t know if I could be understanding enough to go through this for quite some time. I might just collapse or breakdown.

 

Photo Credits: htp://www.downthelineph.wordpress.com

Musings of the sentimental royalty

I can’t help but melt at the sound of his voice as he serenades the people who passionately listens to him and sing his songs. He has the sweetest voice I’ve actually heard, one that’s right in front of me.

 

But what surprised me most, was that, listening to his songs makes me think about this one person through and through. That person is all I can think about, the one who has been the inspiration in my poetries, the one who makes me so much happy, and yet the one who irritates me the most, one who completes my day but also the one who makes me so sad and anguished.

 

I fell in love with his voice, that sweet, calm and soothing melody that rings in my ears, the harmony that plays on repeat, and a tune that I can’t erase from my head. He is amazingly good-looking and someone whom you would wish for a guy. He is someone who would make you forget your name and one whom you would want to stare for a very long time.

 

And yet I can’t stop thinking about this person. Now I understand something I have never understood before. It’s quite tiring. I don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if my feelings are actually valid, but it’s been like these for several times already and I don’t know what I did wrong.

 

I know that I’m speaking in riddles and metaphors, one that probably doesn’t make sense. Because that person does not make sense too. I want to understand. I have to understand. But sometimes I just can’t. It’s the same routine. The same things happens over and over again and I don’t know where I got it wrong.

 

His songs makes me think of that person and I can’t stop myself from drowning myself into misery. I don’t cry to a lot of people but I cried a lot because of that person. That person unveiled that side of me who becomes clingy, who becomes possessive, one who easily gets jealous, someone who can’t be at ease whenever that person is not around.

 

I just have this urge to let it all out because I might find myself crying all over again. I just don’t understand the feelings I harbor for that person. It’s unexplainable. It’s wrong. But I can’t stop myself from actually feeling those emotions.

 

But maybe that’s just who that person is. I just have to remind myself that it’s nothing personal and that it’s just how that person deals with situations. I just have to remind myself again and again that I was not the only person who felt that way.

 

Although it was the give-away that made me think if it’s actually normal or something is really wrong. Something isn’t right. I won’t have this kind of feeling if there isn’t something. Nonverbal actions and words that are too foreign in my ears have reached me and had caught me in surprise. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect that kind of reaction or treatment but I got it and it felt strange and sad.

 

I hope someday I’d know the reason why I hope one day I will understand what it all means. Because I may tolerate this but it would hurt each time it happens. And I’m just so tired of being in pain. I’d rather be in chains or being physically abused than emotionally ignoring me and she actually means to not notice me.

Reminiscences

This is one of those times where I just want to pour out my thoughts, feelings of happiness, realization from the past, reminiscent of the people who I used to know.

Grasping on the several changes that took place over the past few months, I realize that timing is everything and that God has plans for all of us. We may not always understand why things happen before, why we never realize what we have realized today a few years back, why we have to learn lessons of life at times when we thought it’s too late but that’s how it should be and then when you put all the pieces together, creating a timeline of your life, you appreciate what took place. Because then, what happened created a certain mixture of good memories, of life full of bitter-sweet reminiscences, a life of beautiful harmonious events.

Looking back, I will always think about the wrong decisions that I’ve ever made, the things that I did which I shouldn’t have, mistakes that should have been avoided, people I should have never been with. And then I now understood that I have to go thru those things. Because if I haven’t, I would never have realized what are the wrongs that should not be committed again, the people that should be avoided, the wrong decisions that should not be chosen.

With my life starting slowly taking a turn towards the right direction, a life with a purpose, a goal, a resolution; a life of commitment, understanding, prioritizing and at some point, compromising, I appreciate the things that took place, the people I met, the people I’m with, the people I love and care about. I am thankful that I’ve met people who made me see the best version of myself, who made me dream things I never thought I could ever have, who made me take actions for the things that I have longed desired and who made me aspire to shine in all things that I do.

Things that might have stated out as just something usual was the beginning of changes I never thought would take place. I remembered that time when I was so grateful for movements that took place because it changed a lot. And it really did. It changed the way I think, the way I deal with things and people, the way I interact and the manner of how I have accepted and understood things.

And then you can’t help but feel that overwhelming emotion of gratefulness, thankfulness; a great surge of love for that person who made all those things possible and the One above who had His plans of you meeting that person as well as having that person not just as a colleague, an officemate, a friend, one who has always been by your side and has supported you and pushed you to be better each day.

It’s rare to find those kind of people and I’m so thankful that I have one because I wouldn’t know what I would have been doing right now if not for that person, probably still stuck in my own world, alone and lonely, without that consuming desire to push thru my goals because they seem unattainable.

 

 

Afterthoughts

It’s been a while since I’ve been working on something and I miss talking about random things, in life, love, politics, and friendship and so on and so forth. Too many ideas invade my mind, too many thoughts I’ve harbored so far and I don’t know how to proceed with all of them, let alone entertain the things that makes me wonder how I am doing so far with the subject entitled life.

It’ quite funny, strange, weird, scary and something mixed among them, what I have felt today, and the past few days. I’m treading the same path again, doing things I’ve warned myself would destroy or perhaps scar me. I’m afraid of what has been happening to me but then the only person who can help me is myself.

I am sure that I’m not into him anymore, that the idea of me being with him has not been appealing as to how it was before. And I know that even when it seems like I like him on how I react towards teases to him, it’s not what I actually feel.

It’s been a reflex, an automatic response. I got so used to liking him that it became a habit I find difficult to get away with. And when they ask me why I know so much about him, it was because people have been telling me how he is doing.

And I only know one reason why it is so. But it’s something that I can’t even tell a single soul. It’s something I can’t even admit to myself as well. Because saying it out loud and admitting it means that it is real, that it is true. And I’m still hoping that it’s not. I’m still hoping it’s just a passing feeling, that all of this is just my misconception, my misinterpretation.

Can there be a wrong feeling for a right person? Perhaps. But it’s not the wrong feeling, because feelings can never be wrong. It’s the wrong person for the feelings you have harbored.

I remember that time when everything was so awkward, when everything was so scripted and so off. It was the worst. And I don’t know how it happened. We were never awkward. In fact, everything has been comfortable between us. Until then. Until that day. Until today.

But I can’t stop myself. I act strange whenever things seem to be different between us. But I feel fine whenever things are fine as well. When I said “You were like a drug I can get away with it”, I know now that it’s actually true. It’s as if I can’t live a day without you.

I don’t know what happens then when the time comes that we have to part ways. I don’t know if I would be able to survive. Life seems so dull without you in it. You’ve become the sunshine in my lonely and dark days.

Even now your smile is the only thing that I can remember, your voice that echoes repeatedly on my head, your touch that sends shivers down my spine, your smell I’m still trying to memorize.

If only my feelings for you were so simple, I probably would not have a hard time controlling what I’m feeling. But you make me feel like I’m the most special girl in the world.

Why do you have to make me feel this way? That feeling I have been waiting for from the one who I can be with without reservations, hesitations and setbacks.

 

 

 

 

 

Sentiments of the Emotional Royalty

When she said those words that night, it feels like I’m the most special and wonderful person in the world. “I’m sorry for trying so hard.” Some would probably accept this apology, knowing that they don’t need somebody to put so much effort since they don’t really asked them to do it for them. It becomes a burden to the one trying so hard that it burdened the recipient as well. But as for me, those six words made me breakdown in happiness as well as that overwhelming feeling of somebody reaching out to you.

When I told her “Thank you for trying so hard”, I meant every word. If not for her, I might not have been the person that I am today, someone who felt loved and has shown love to the people around her.I may not be that person who tried to pursue her dreams again. I may not be that girl who smiles so genuinely whenever a camera captures a moment of her because I will always have reservations and something to hold back.

As I look back to how I have been for the past 24 years of my life, I realize how happy I am right now. The sincerity of the relationships that I had, the sincerity that I was able to express as well with the people around me was something I really never had. It’s not that I was never sincere before, but for me, allowing yourself to be loved and be loved, to be cared but to take care as well,is the true essence of sincerity. And I felt it here in my heart.

I consider myself as somebody who loves the feeling of being alone, of being in solitude, of enjoying the company of myself. That is why I usually talk to myself. It became a habit that I cannot avoid anymore. I don’t have a ready contact on my phone. Though I have group of friends, at the end of the day, I find myself alone and lonely. I only have me to share all my heartaches, my problems, my dreams and aspirations, my frustrations and so on and so forth.

But then man, in his nature, cannot live in solitude forever. He needs to be around with people as well as actually be with them. He has that need to share, to communicate, to love and so man, needs another person to complement him.

You also get tired of being alone, of doing things all by yourself, of talking to yourself. It becomes toxic and it is something that leads most people to becoming suicidal.

With that I decided that I should not be alone anymore. I should be with people, not just in the surface but invest deeper feelings with them, know them and be with them in a more intimate way.

If you want to be truly happy, you have to feel things deeply. You have to love deeply. You have to care. You have to be sensitive. You have to be open to people. You will be hurt deeply too. But that’s how love is. Loving is not always having all the good stuffs. You also have to experience things that will hurt. Because then, you get to appreciate and savor that feeling of love and affection.

 

Ugly Love? Maybe,Maybe Not

I remember those times when my sister can’t stop from squealing or laughing, or crying and feeling mixed emotions while reading Colleen Hoover’s books and I stare at her and say something like “What’s wrong with you?” But after reading her Ugly Love, I’ve come to acknowledge and understand why she loves her so much. How Rainbow’s Landline got my heart was the very same reason how Colleen got mine.

 

I love the adrenaline that Ludlum’s books are giving me, the Bourne Series that made me feel like running with Jason and Marie, the rush that Brown is giving me whenever Langdon starts to look for clues to the mystery he is about to unveil or the suspense I feel whenever Lindsay, Cindy, Claire and Yuki discovers another murder to be solved. But the other part of me starts to disintegrate whenever I read Colleen’s books.

 

Her Ugly Love brought feelings that are too raw that one can’t stop from being too vulnerable, too open and too weak. Reading her book was like spacing out in the present world, and just being in the world of her characters. I like the feeling of being able to escape reality just by reading her books, by not thinking about the worries I have currently, personal issues I have to face and be lost in the world that her book has created.

 

Colleen’s stories makes you realize that one important truth we must hold on; that we have someone whose meant for us, that when the time comes that we eventually get to know that one, we’ll know he’s the one. You’ll never stop liking each other. You’ll never stop wanting the other person. And eventually, you can’t help but love that person so much you won’t give up one each other that easy even if it’s too difficult to hold on for so long already.

 

The pain you feel whenever you read her books are almost the same pain you would feel whenever you’d ever encounter such situation, or more than that perhaps. It’s how the story goes on, how she develops her character towards the story, how she makes it so real, so close to your heart, that it makes you want to cry along with them, laugh along with them and get along with the characters of her story. Unlike some stories where you feel like you’re the main character, with her it feels like you’re a spectator, an audience, an observer. But whatever things you read, what they’ve felt you also had and you’ve felt it deep too.

 

In her Ugly Love, you will be met with Mile’s inability to love just because he felt like he doesn’t deserve to love again the way he used to. The tragedy that happened to him at an age where a person’s rationality becomes clouded with emotions and tendencies of being stubborn scarred his heart that understanding the situation, acceptance and forgiveness seems to be seen nowhere in the picture.

 

Some people are just scared of feeling too much, of feeling things too deeply, of being afraid for the things that comes with loving so much. As with my previous writings, loving too much means allowing yourself to become vulnerable and weak

 

But you will realize that sometime in this life, we just have to face our fears and conquer them. More than that, we just have to love others as much as we could but also let them in our lives and let them love us and even if it means knowing that eventually we will be able to hurt them in the process.

 

I remember reading her Maybe Someday with Ridge and Sydney. I never thought that there could exist such a feeling that’s too hard to fight. I never thought that you could ever love somebody and fight the feelings so hard you just gave up on fighting it. But then realizing it’s all the wrong feelings and so you still struggle on getting over it and wishing the feeling can just be gone like a smoke in the wind.

 

It’s always a constant battle between what your mind tells you and what your heart does (Technically, It’s your intellect and emotion that is in constant disagreement since the heart’s function is just to pump blood but for literary sake, we’ll just make use of the heart and the mind.) Your desires, the desires of your flesh or what you actually feel, will always bump to what your mind thinks is rational. I remember a conversation I had with my sister where she told me that sometimes, there’s just that part of us who wants to do the things that are irrational and things that sometimes doesn’t make sense.

 

Two months and six days ago I realized something about myself that I never thought I would have come into conclusion. I keep on debating about it to myself for as long as I can remember and up until I now. I’m trying to deny the feelings that I have for the person I’m not supposed to like so much. My actions and my thoughts are letting me on and constantly remind me that I can’t get away with this feeling I have. However, the more rational part of my brain tells me that it’s something that I should get rid of and I should not to be entertained even just for one short moment of unguarded thoughts and feelings.

 

That is why I always appreciate these simple moments where I just lay in bed and read a book because I get transported to a world where I don’t have to think about it. Whenever I hold a book in my hand, I am able to forget even just for a while that I have some unresolved personal issues. Whenever I get hold of a story to read, I don’t think about this person that invades my mind and heart, the person that has become my everything ever since that day I realize that irrational feelings I keep harboring inside me.

 

Do you know that feeling of being able to notice every single thing that person does? Do you know that feeling of missing that person, even though you’ve been seeing each other for a while, just because you don’t talk too much anymore and bond as often as you did before? Do you know that feeling of carefully taking your time towards that person just because you’re afraid that both of you will get hurt if you said the wrong words, or do things that you think is unpleasant, and that you’ll never get to see that person ever again? Do you ever feel jealous when that person is around other people just because you want that person all by yourself?

 

It’s a feeling that is so hard to suppress. It something that’s too strong that it wants to get out of your heart. It’s a feeling that you want that other person to know and yet it hurts so bad it just comes out of you in snippets of anger and frustrations.

 

It’s becoming a tiring routine over and over again, each day, every day. And you ask yourself when this will end. If that person showers you with attention again, will you be able to get over it already? Maybe, maybe not. It will just strengthen the feeling you already have that when the time comes that that person has to leave, you’ll just suffer even further. Because you don’t own that person, so you don’t have the right to put an end to it.

 

And with that, maybe you’ll just have to let things happen the way it should be. But never for once think that letting things happen the way it should be means losing your grip of reality and how you would want it to play today and in the future. Never lose sight of what you want but also of what you actually need and want to have. Most of the time, you can’t have both. You just have to pick one and stand up for it no matter what happens.