A love letter to the man I’ll love my whole life

I have always wondered what I am really looking for in a man. I told myself that I wanted a tall man so I can bury my face on his chest whenever I feel too sad or too happy. I wanted a man who has a career already set on track because I have this tendency to be ashamed of dating someone whom people can’t look up to or “respect” in this day and age’s language. But living in this world for quite a few years already, I realized that these things are actually too superficial and I’d probably not see this man anyway. And that’s when I actually come to acknowledge the things that I’ve been looking for a man, the things that matter, the things that would actually enable both of us to last in the relationship, or more likely for me to stay faithful into the relationship. 

I want a man who could accept my priorities in life. I want him to understand and accept wholeheartedly that he will always come 3rd among those who I will have to put first in life. He needs to understand that above all else, I was born in a Christian family and that God will always be on the top of priority. It may not seem like that looking at my lifestyle but that it’s true. My parent would always remind us that family shouldn’t be our first love but it will always be God, that our priorities should be to the One high above and none else should take that place, that even though we love our family, they should just come 2nd to the God who created heaven and earth.


I want a man who will accept the fact that my sister matters to me more than anything else and that I would do anything for her even though there may be times that I get irritated by her or that I get jealous of her and things that a sister shouldn’t feel. I love her so much that I would choose to spend time with her over anything else. He has to understand that I have a responsibility to my sister and whether she’s married or have a family or doesn’t have, she will always have my time and anything I could give whenever she needs it or even when she doesn’t. He has to understand the fact that I’d probably spend time with my sister than with him and that he can’t make me choose him over my sister because without a doubt I’ll choose my sister and so he has to live with that if he wants to be with me. It may sound ridiculous right now and one would probably think that it’s quite insane but its true and it might happen and I want this to be clear to him so I have no regrets about it and so does he.


I want a man who respects my personal space. I will have episodes or times where I just want to be or do things by myself. When it happens, he has to leave me alone. I get used to doing things all by myself that I can’t get the habit away from me too easily. I will not leave him. I just needed some retrospection, some thinking, a self-discovery of sort.


I want a man who could understand my independency. By this, I mean not asking help from him or from other people even though it’s quite a load for me or there’s too many things to get done. People who knew me knows that I want to do things all by myself. It might have been a trust issue but it’s mostly because I’m not the type of person who wants to owe anyone or anything or be a nuisance to their lives. If I can do it by myself, let me do it on my own. I know my limitations, even if you can’t believe it for now. I enjoy doing things for other people. I love making an effort doing things for people who matter to me. So just let me be. Don’t stop me or do anything. Because if there’s anything that I hate the most, it’s seeing people getting out of their way just to help me or be with me. I felt like I’m being burdened to return the favour and it just stresses me out more than anything.


I want a man who would look over my need to appear strong and capable of anything even though at times it could be quite obvious that I’m fragile and delicate. I have the tendency to show no fear or to have that sense of accomplishment and achievement. I could be quite a brag, I must say. I want him to just let me be because at some point I will come to my senses. I just needed to put up a façade so I could tell myself that I’m strong and that I can do it, that I could overcome it and that I won’t fail. They say that people who have always failed has gotten used to it thru time but it isn’t. In my case, it just gotten worse and worse. Failures make me realize that I’m just an ordinary person and that there’s nothing special in me, that no matter how other people tell me how amazing I am, I will still look down on myself, wallow in self-pity and be ungrateful even though there’s too many things to be thankful about. I am slowly overcoming that by keeping myself reminded daily that all of us have our own timelines and that success doesn’t come overnight but thru God, perseverance, hard work and patience. 


Lastly, I want a man who won’t give up on me even though I could be quite a work most of the time. I could be hard headed and stubborn and sometimes I won’t listen to any precautions, advices or even counsels even though I badly need it. I’d stay quiet and not utter a single word. When that happens, I want a man strong enough to reprimand and tell me what I did wrong. Yes I will resent him. Yes I will get angry. But he can be assured that I’ll eventually come to my senses and realize my mistakes. I admit that I don’t have it in me to apologize but I will try my best to be sincerely sorry for what I did. 


This came as an afterthought and I wanted to say this to the man whom I’ll spend the rest of my life with. When I find you, I’ll be that woman who won’t be resistant to change. Sure I might hate it and not probably talk to you for days because of it, but if its something very important and it’s also something that would help me be a better person, then I will give my best to change, to adapt, to realign myself to the direction you’re taking me. 


I will be that woman who will always patiently listen to you even though you talk gibberish or you’ve been talking about the same thing over and over again. I will always be by your side, supporting you and having your back so you can be assured that whatever happens you won’t be a total loss because you will always have me.


I will be that woman who will be with you as you grow, whatever that growth you wanted to achieve, may it be with your career, socially, physically, emotionally and so on and so forth. Because getting older made me realize that its not about finding someone who is as equally stable as you are so you both are already perfect for each other but it’s about growing together with someone, inspiring one another to aspire, getting thru difficult times holding each other’s hands because that’s how love should be. Love should be both joy and sadness, happiness and despair, success and failure and all the paradoxes this world can offer.  


And more than that, I will be that woman who’ll be with you until we both say goodbye to this home we call earth and be with our Creator in heaven. We’ll keep the vows we’ve promised God because that’s how it should be. We’ll stay together no matter what and not give up on each other because it’s too much to bear. We’ll look into each other eyes every day and remind each other that as long as we both have each other and God who guides us from above, we will always persevere and survive. 

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An open letter to the person I used to like

It was never easy.  Harboring those kinds of feelings for you were not right.  I shouldn’t have felt that way but I did.  And being a human is not an excuse but what can I do?  I was a mere creature whose heart is too weak to withstand feelings of wanting to be loved and have someone to get intimate with. 
I can still clearly remember the day when it all started.  I was all by myself,  thinking of you,  wondering if we’ll see each other around even on weekends and then the realization hits me that I wanted to have more and more of you every single day.

I didn’t like you the first time I saw you. I believed you didn’t like me too. But even then I admire you.  I was fascinated at how you were so sure of what you want at such young age.  I was still lost at that time.  I didn’t know what to do with my life.  I just had this idea of living life as a collection of activities which involves work,  spending time with families and surviving on my own.  At that time,  I have forgotten temporarily about my dreams,  my aspiration,  my desires of becoming a real journalist,  a writer,  an author,  an influencer. But you were so passionate at what you do.  You were dedicated to the things you love.  You make people aspire for something they thought they could never have.  You were an aspiration.  And you had been my inspiration. 

But when things started to work out just a bit fine between us, we started having dinners together and have late nights chill. And the more time we spend each other,  the more I realize that I definitely like you.  And then,  when we had too many opportunities for conversations, the feelings got stronger and I began to admire you even more than how I used to. 

You were very supportive when it comes to my dreams even though sometimes I think its quite impossible.  You always encourage me to keep on writing and inspiring people.  You never failed to make me feel that I’m amazing and I can do more things if I just believe. You were not just someone I kmow,  but you were a friend,  a really really good friend and I would have wanted you as a bestfriend if I could. 

I can say a lot of good things about you and never ran out of it.  I can write all those things here but it wouldn’t be enough to how much you’ve changed me.  Yet despite of the things I could still write about you,  I must also make an end to this letter. 

You see,  this letter is not just a thank you letter,  an appreciation of what youve done for me, of how you have influenced me, and of how you made me see the world as full of opportunities and not just challenges but it’s also a goodbye letter, a farewell to that friendship we used to have, to that closeness we used to share,  to the feelings we both felt as how I have wanted to believe it. 

I have to say goodbye to the old us because its not there anymore.  A dent has been made in our relationship,  promises were broken,  the trust we both have for each was already lost in translation, anything that’s remotely related to something as close as concern and admiration shattered because of circumstances we could have avoided but happened anyway. 

After all those indifferences and uncertainties happened,  things were different between us already.  Honestly,  it crushed me and I felt myself so torn and I felt that beating heart of mine bleeding because of the pain and sadness of what had transpired between us.  I dont want to give up before.  I want to keep on fighting.  I wanted to have you in my life.  But I guess jt just wasnt meant to be.  You are one of those people who just had to pass by in my life.

Farewell,  my friend. It has not been an easy decision to make but I have to do it anyway.  You were everything I look for a bestfriend but my feelings have been getting confused and things are not the same between us anymore. Goodbye.  It could have been something special.  We could have had something really true and good but it just couldn’t be. 

I wouldn’t forget you because you taught me valuable lessons in life I should always remember. I have forgiven you as I believe you did forgive me too.  Seeing you around makes it harder to let go of what we have but I have to,  right?  We’re both happy now with whomever we’re with and thats good enough for both of us.  

26

I only have an hour and 50 minutes  before I officially become 26. So I decided to write an “open letter” just for the sake of being dramatic, symbolic and everything.  Just kidding. But on a more serious note,  this letter is more of a promise,  a vow,  a desire,  a wish and a farewell.  This is a letter of promise to myself,  a promise that I would start acting more like an adult from now on. I know.  I should have started earlier.  But things happen.  And so I promise that I will be an adult from now on,  with my actions,  words,  thoughts,  decisions,  reactions.  I am not getting any younger, definitely.  So I know I should really act on it. This is also a letter of a vow. I vow to help more people,  to reach out to them even if I can’t give them anything material at least I could give them my time,  my attention,  things that cannot be measured by any amount of money. This is also a letter of desire.  I just wanted to be who I really am. Most of the time I like to be someone that I am not.  When I don’t, I get frustrated.  I am disappointing myself.  And so I really want to be my own,  to stand on my own, to have an identity.  This is also a letter of a wish.  I wish that someday I’d  find my path, not that I’m confused or anything. I hope I’d find my true happiness,  whether it’d be staying single or not,  be in a corporate world or in a public office or institution,  whether I’d be a freelance somebody or a trusted employee,  things like that.  I really wish the time would come when I would eventually know where I’d  really go. Finally,  this is a farewell letter.  I am saying goodbye to those unconfessed, unintended and irrational feeligs.  I am saying goodbye to the hatred and pain. I am saying goodbye to insecurities and jealousies. I am saying goodbye to self pities and emotional instabilities. It has been a fulfilling 25 years. I am and should be and will be ready for 26.

Thoughts

It’s strange and scary when your dreams felt so real you thought it actually happened. There are days when I am having a hard time separating reality from make believe. It will always be those unguarded moments, instances when I imagine a perfect turn  around  of events only to realize afterwards that none of those take place, can actually take place and will take place at the same time. Though it feels so good and it makes me a lot happier, if those things will actually come true, and yet waking up knowing its not going to happen and all of those things are just my subconscious desires makes me want to curl up in bed and cry, feel sorry for myself that I can only have the things that I want as images that will linger secretly in my mind and my heart.

 

Afternoon Thoughts

I thought I have let the feeling go already. I thought if I ignore it and just let it go, it will eventually go away. Unfortunately, I just can’t. I can’t stop my feelings. I have always tried to avoid hearing that sound, the one that makes me cringe and makes me miss it even more. I always drown it in my mind, cover it up with too many distractions.

But I guess there will always be someone who gets you in a way you could never understand. There will always be that person, who, no matter what you do, who you will always chase after, even if things are not going well between the two of you, even if there’s nothing really going on. When I think of that person, I think of what someone once told me. I told that person my story and what that person told me was this, “You really care. You still have feelings. You thought you’ve moved on but you didn’t” And maybe that someone is right. I never got over that person. I was just letting myself believe to a lie I have weaved for myself. I am still affected. The longer it takes the more I think about it. And I thought I had reached the acceptance stage but I guess I just regressed. I went back to bargaining everything.

Every opportunity that I can be with that person is something I have always been looking forward. Though I keep on telling myself that I am not expecting, my heart can’t lie to my mind. It keeps on holding on to that opportuntity, even if it is obviously already a  hopeless case. Would I ever tell that person what I feel when I can’t even admit to myself because it goes against everything I believe in and the things that  grew up with?

Mundanity of the Undecided Girl’s Confession

It’s a pitiful and upsetting fact that one is too coward to face the negativities in her life, especially those which she considers childish and unreasonable. They say feelings can never be reasonable, or rather emotions. They are valid. Because these are things that maybe controlled but will always arise whenever the occasion calls for it.

It has been a recurring illness of mine to keep everything to myself and to deny that I blame the other person for the things which should have been resolved, had it been disclosed and discussed. I have always asked myself why I keep on doing this, why I keep on pretending that everything is fine, even when it’s not. I introspect a lot, that’s a fact. I am a deep thinker. But I’m more than usually not a woman of actions. Most of the time, I become too passive that I appear insensitive and it’s as if I don’t care about anything in this world. My indifference sometimes gets a little too much, that it creates an impression that anything is fine with me and that it doesn’t really matter what happen to what, to whom and so on.

I have been consumed by the fact that we don’t talk anymore. I swallowed in self-pity. I get jealous to all the people she interacts with. I was so envious with the relationship she has with this certain girl. I know. You might think that I’m in love with her. I actually thought so at first. In fact I was shaken by this revelation that morally, emotionally and socially, I was in total conflict. It took all my energy and I was emotionally drained. I was tired. I was crying almost every single day. I come home but even before I arrive, I just stop in the middle of the road, think and cry. I was hysterical. It was too depressing and pathetic. I was drowning myself to the sound of music so that I can forget her voice and everything about her. Every time I see her, my heart starts to have a breakdown because I was still in denial by the fact that what we had before was a “was” already, that though we still talk and communicate each other, there has been a lot of changes.  But then I realize that I had never that kind of relationship before. I have never been so vulnerable.  I have never been so careless, and so I came to a conclusion I was just overreacting. And I am. I did. Well I was thinking too much about it. Now that I think of it, I might have been obsessed about it a lot and though it wasn’t great, now I know how to deal with these things.

Then that night happen and the day after that as well. Right now I still think about it. I hate hurting people. But I hate hurting her the most. She was like a sister to me. She inspires me a lot. She makes me happy. Well, she used to.  She used to. That’s the correct statement for what I feel. The night I started writing this, I was so guilty for what I did. I still am, don’t get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I was resolved that I can only do so much. It was a tough deliberation but I got my solution at the end.

It was quite amusing actually. It started with me saying that yes, it was my fault. I should have told her sooner. I knew it will hurt her not to tell her anything but I still did it anyway. I should have apologized but then it dawned on me. What can an apology do anyway? Can it fix what happened? Can it bring back what had taken place?  I know that it isn’t about that but it’s acknowledging that one is at fault and I already did. Should I say it again? Should I repeat it all over again that I was wrong and that I hurt her in all possible ways that I could? Is this an excuse? No. Then what it is then? An explanation? Perhaps. And I guess, it’s all that I can offer. An explanation. A narration of what happened. I can tell her all my reasons but it will all sound pathetic. Excuses. And I am never the one to do that. I know when I am at fault. I apologize. I have given my side of why it happened and how it happened but that’s about it. Because any fault won’t be any justifiable than any right thing that has been done.

Where am I going this? Well, nothing actually. I dread going back. Every time I think of seeing her, I felt myself being swallowed by the earth, if it’s even possible. I haven’t even look at her after that night. It was worse. I don’t know what happens right now. I just hope that whatever it is, I would have the courage to absorb it all in, just like drinking a cup of black coffee without sugar. I would have to face a lot of judgements, words that needs to be spoken, sentiments that should be released. I know that. She’s not like me who can just do stuffs like this to take away some of the burden that has bothered her.

When everything was fine between us, I used to think what would happen if we ever get into some kind of trouble. If we ever get into an argument, would anyone notice and rescue both of us? I guess I had the answer to that right now. I would be left alone and no one would have known that things had gone wrong for both of us. Nobody would probably discover that I’m in some disagreement with her. I can be transparent but I can be indifferent too. And that it becomes a disadvantage for me at times since I have a trouble expressing what I really feel. I might be bothered, hurt and sad but it wouldn’t show. And most of the time it leads the other person to think that I don’t care, that I carry my pride so high I won’t acknowledge that I am at fault, that I am just as heartless as the tin man in the Wizard of Oz. But how can I say that I know all of my reasons would sound like pathetic excuses? That I know at the end they would still believe what they want to believe and that I couldn’t change that?

I know they say that how people see you is a reflection of how you want them to see you as. I actually said something about that on one of my daily stats. But how do I avoid that when that’s how I exactly feel? And isn’t it also true that you won’t feel that way if the other people doesn’t make you feel that way anyway? It’s confusing, I know. It has also been a puzzle to me. And I guess life is all about having a constant balance between these kinds things; paradoxically true and untrue at the same time. It just depends on timing, on people, on situations and a lot of factors that this page won’t be enough for all of it.

I don’t know when I would stop thinking about it or about her but I hope it ends soon. I hope as well that drinking this bitter cup of coffee will end in the near future. I may be patient but I don’t know if I could be understanding enough to go through this for quite some time. I might just collapse or breakdown.

 

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Musings of the sentimental royalty

I can’t help but melt at the sound of his voice as he serenades the people who passionately listens to him and sing his songs. He has the sweetest voice I’ve actually heard, one that’s right in front of me.

 

But what surprised me most, was that, listening to his songs makes me think about this one person through and through. That person is all I can think about, the one who has been the inspiration in my poetries, the one who makes me so much happy, and yet the one who irritates me the most, one who completes my day but also the one who makes me so sad and anguished.

 

I fell in love with his voice, that sweet, calm and soothing melody that rings in my ears, the harmony that plays on repeat, and a tune that I can’t erase from my head. He is amazingly good-looking and someone whom you would wish for a guy. He is someone who would make you forget your name and one whom you would want to stare for a very long time.

 

And yet I can’t stop thinking about this person. Now I understand something I have never understood before. It’s quite tiring. I don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if my feelings are actually valid, but it’s been like these for several times already and I don’t know what I did wrong.

 

I know that I’m speaking in riddles and metaphors, one that probably doesn’t make sense. Because that person does not make sense too. I want to understand. I have to understand. But sometimes I just can’t. It’s the same routine. The same things happens over and over again and I don’t know where I got it wrong.

 

His songs makes me think of that person and I can’t stop myself from drowning myself into misery. I don’t cry to a lot of people but I cried a lot because of that person. That person unveiled that side of me who becomes clingy, who becomes possessive, one who easily gets jealous, someone who can’t be at ease whenever that person is not around.

 

I just have this urge to let it all out because I might find myself crying all over again. I just don’t understand the feelings I harbor for that person. It’s unexplainable. It’s wrong. But I can’t stop myself from actually feeling those emotions.

 

But maybe that’s just who that person is. I just have to remind myself that it’s nothing personal and that it’s just how that person deals with situations. I just have to remind myself again and again that I was not the only person who felt that way.

 

Although it was the give-away that made me think if it’s actually normal or something is really wrong. Something isn’t right. I won’t have this kind of feeling if there isn’t something. Nonverbal actions and words that are too foreign in my ears have reached me and had caught me in surprise. I was taken aback. I didn’t expect that kind of reaction or treatment but I got it and it felt strange and sad.

 

I hope someday I’d know the reason why I hope one day I will understand what it all means. Because I may tolerate this but it would hurt each time it happens. And I’m just so tired of being in pain. I’d rather be in chains or being physically abused than emotionally ignoring me and she actually means to not notice me.