It’s a pitiful and upsetting fact that one is too coward to face the negativities in her life, especially those which she considers childish and unreasonable. They say feelings can never be reasonable, or rather emotions. They are valid. Because these are things that maybe controlled but will always arise whenever the occasion calls for it.
It has been a recurring illness of mine to keep everything to myself and to deny that I blame the other person for the things which should have been resolved, had it been disclosed and discussed. I have always asked myself why I keep on doing this, why I keep on pretending that everything is fine, even when it’s not. I introspect a lot, that’s a fact. I am a deep thinker. But I’m more than usually not a woman of actions. Most of the time, I become too passive that I appear insensitive and it’s as if I don’t care about anything in this world. My indifference sometimes gets a little too much, that it creates an impression that anything is fine with me and that it doesn’t really matter what happen to what, to whom and so on.
I have been consumed by the fact that we don’t talk anymore. I swallowed in self-pity. I get jealous to all the people she interacts with. I was so envious with the relationship she has with this certain girl. I know. You might think that I’m in love with her. I actually thought so at first. In fact I was shaken by this revelation that morally, emotionally and socially, I was in total conflict. It took all my energy and I was emotionally drained. I was tired. I was crying almost every single day. I come home but even before I arrive, I just stop in the middle of the road, think and cry. I was hysterical. It was too depressing and pathetic. I was drowning myself to the sound of music so that I can forget her voice and everything about her. Every time I see her, my heart starts to have a breakdown because I was still in denial by the fact that what we had before was a “was” already, that though we still talk and communicate each other, there has been a lot of changes. But then I realize that I had never that kind of relationship before. I have never been so vulnerable. I have never been so careless, and so I came to a conclusion I was just overreacting. And I am. I did. Well I was thinking too much about it. Now that I think of it, I might have been obsessed about it a lot and though it wasn’t great, now I know how to deal with these things.
Then that night happen and the day after that as well. Right now I still think about it. I hate hurting people. But I hate hurting her the most. She was like a sister to me. She inspires me a lot. She makes me happy. Well, she used to. She used to. That’s the correct statement for what I feel. The night I started writing this, I was so guilty for what I did. I still am, don’t get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I was resolved that I can only do so much. It was a tough deliberation but I got my solution at the end.
It was quite amusing actually. It started with me saying that yes, it was my fault. I should have told her sooner. I knew it will hurt her not to tell her anything but I still did it anyway. I should have apologized but then it dawned on me. What can an apology do anyway? Can it fix what happened? Can it bring back what had taken place? I know that it isn’t about that but it’s acknowledging that one is at fault and I already did. Should I say it again? Should I repeat it all over again that I was wrong and that I hurt her in all possible ways that I could? Is this an excuse? No. Then what it is then? An explanation? Perhaps. And I guess, it’s all that I can offer. An explanation. A narration of what happened. I can tell her all my reasons but it will all sound pathetic. Excuses. And I am never the one to do that. I know when I am at fault. I apologize. I have given my side of why it happened and how it happened but that’s about it. Because any fault won’t be any justifiable than any right thing that has been done.
Where am I going this? Well, nothing actually. I dread going back. Every time I think of seeing her, I felt myself being swallowed by the earth, if it’s even possible. I haven’t even look at her after that night. It was worse. I don’t know what happens right now. I just hope that whatever it is, I would have the courage to absorb it all in, just like drinking a cup of black coffee without sugar. I would have to face a lot of judgements, words that needs to be spoken, sentiments that should be released. I know that. She’s not like me who can just do stuffs like this to take away some of the burden that has bothered her.
When everything was fine between us, I used to think what would happen if we ever get into some kind of trouble. If we ever get into an argument, would anyone notice and rescue both of us? I guess I had the answer to that right now. I would be left alone and no one would have known that things had gone wrong for both of us. Nobody would probably discover that I’m in some disagreement with her. I can be transparent but I can be indifferent too. And that it becomes a disadvantage for me at times since I have a trouble expressing what I really feel. I might be bothered, hurt and sad but it wouldn’t show. And most of the time it leads the other person to think that I don’t care, that I carry my pride so high I won’t acknowledge that I am at fault, that I am just as heartless as the tin man in the Wizard of Oz. But how can I say that I know all of my reasons would sound like pathetic excuses? That I know at the end they would still believe what they want to believe and that I couldn’t change that?
I know they say that how people see you is a reflection of how you want them to see you as. I actually said something about that on one of my daily stats. But how do I avoid that when that’s how I exactly feel? And isn’t it also true that you won’t feel that way if the other people doesn’t make you feel that way anyway? It’s confusing, I know. It has also been a puzzle to me. And I guess life is all about having a constant balance between these kinds things; paradoxically true and untrue at the same time. It just depends on timing, on people, on situations and a lot of factors that this page won’t be enough for all of it.
I don’t know when I would stop thinking about it or about her but I hope it ends soon. I hope as well that drinking this bitter cup of coffee will end in the near future. I may be patient but I don’t know if I could be understanding enough to go through this for quite some time. I might just collapse or breakdown.
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